Call me princess

Wahahhaha! I cannot take it! Was just chatting with Kenny Sia on MSN, and he told me he just found Jolin Tsai's blog.

It's fucking funny! Kenny told me to read it, but apparently my eyes don't take too well to small Chinese fonts. But I did see the sidebar... It says, "Princess files" when translated literally.

Which led to this MSN chat:

I must become rich! says:
my blog more princessy or hers

Kenny le Sia says:
hers.

I must become rich! says:
OEI!
how dare u!

Kenny le Sia says:
she even calls her mom 'huang hou'
do you call ur mom 'huang hou'
NO
you call ur mom 'momo'
so she's more princessy than you

I must become rich! says:
i shall call my mom huang hou from now on

Kenny le Sia says:
HAHA
and ur bro 'gong zi'
and cloudy 'tai jian'

I must become rich! says:
shite i dont wanna call smelly gong zi whahahahha

Kenny le Sia says:
have to!
he's ur bro
a prince

I must become rich! says:
he is smelly prince then

Kenny le Sia says:
'chou gong zi'

I must become rich! says:
lollllllllll

Hahahaha! I remember like 2 years ago, I had this interview with Jolin when I was a reporter (lucky internship) for Today newspaper.

She, sitting on a stage, related a story to disinterested (only I was excited... the rest of the reporters were all old) reporters about how she thinks she is a princess.

NO. I am serious. She's not even just jesting about it.

The reason why she thinks she is a princess is because she went to a fortune teller, and the fortune teller told her that in her last life she was an Indian princess.

And she thought about it, and decided that since this life of hers is pretty good as well - you know, all the pretty nails, glamour, adoring fans, and non-stop working hours - she must still be a princess in this life too.

I looked incredulously at her, but she might have thought it to be adoration on my part.

What if she goes to a second fortune teller and the fortune teller tells her she used to be a banjo player in Laos in her past life?

I think she might throw a big fit and have him beheaded. At least, that's what I think princesses do....

Come a few years, and she still thinks she is a princess!! Whahaha... I know it's nice to pretend to be a princess and dress like one, but seriously BELIEVING that you are one is another thing altogether.

The funniest thing is, everyone else on her blog seems to have no problems with her self-proclamation as a princess!

THEY CALL HER PRINCESS!

I dunno, I'm just guessing, coz I can't be half-assed enough to read the comments.

I WANNA BE A PRINCESS TOO!

As such, I just visited a fortune teller yesterday, and he told me sagely that I used to be a Norwegian princess my last life. (!)

I had blonde hair that rippled to my waist, and had startlingly cold green eyes. They clashed terribly with my favourite colour then, which was orange, he said.

I asked a little bit more about my past life while smiling self-satisfiedly (I was a princess!), and the fortune teller said "Heavenly secrets are not to be divulged" but added I had a pet Norwegian dragon.


He clashes with my orange dresses too...

It breathes fire.

I would ride him while the masses admired my magnificant sight from far below, and I was the only princess controversial enough to wear an empire-cut dress while riding. All the other princesses wore pants.

My lovely pet was called Grogzjo, Norwegian for Ferocious Flyer.

I believe the fortune teller because the controversial part matches my current life's fate as a controversial blogger, and also, I have a pet dog, and we all know dogs are current day dragons.

To further prove my point, Cloudy just hurled a pile of orangish-red vomit. It's like the fire he used to breathe.

It is now confirmed that I have royal blood in me, so I am offically announcing that I am a princess.

As such, you all shall have to kneel down to read my blog, and from this moment on, certain people related to me shall have their names changed.

Please refrain from addressing them in their old names. It's a thing of the past now.

++++++++++++++++++

Me: Princess Wendy, Her Imperial Highness

Momo: The Queen, Her Majesty

Smelly: Crown prince (yelch, but by virtue of relations... sigh)

Cloudy: Grogzjo the II

Mike (knighted and made to dress in shining armour, all while wielding a sharpish weapon on a white horse): Lord Marquet the III (My Norweigian love then (French guy, red-headed)was called Marquet but he had a son from his first marriage named after him, thus III)

Wong: Court jester

Kelvin (made prime minister): Premier Wee

Shuyin (made duchess): Lady Teo IX of ... I haven't decided that country I am princess of.

Other people not mentioned who are friends of mine are to be called "his/her highness" at all times.

++++++++++++++++++

This is a royal blog now!

Pictures in a bit... I'm packing my room. I need a few chamber maids. What a hardworking princess I am!

Gah

Updated on Stomp... Go read those instead!

Comments still disallowed.

:D

I just threw a durian seed out of the window!

I've been throwing lychee and durian seeds out. Hope that they will all grow into tall, sturdy, fruit-bearing trees in a couple of years! :D

Pretty trees. :D

Today I saw a girl on the bus, and she was with her boyfriend.

She has her hair tied up in a half ponytail, and god, instead of lying flat like the classic half ponytail, it was high up in the air - resulting in the tail's body being 1 inch away from her scalp.

It's awful. =(

(Mid year resolution: Cease commenting on people's bad looks. Remember what Jorraine always says, "OH YOU DIE! Karma comes in KGs!!!!!!!!" - with a deadly ringing silence from everyone listening)

Needless to say the couple wasn't very good looking.

And so, while on the bus ride I came up with a very good theory.

My theory is that it is a blessing to be ugly.

So ponytail girl had her boyfriend, which was around her standard of looks, say, 3/10.

So actual looks, 3/10.

Self-esteemed looks? Must be around 3/10 too, since she deems herself worthy to be with someone around that kinda marks.

Now, love is funny game, isn't it?

In life, we are constantly trying to find the partner which has the maximum amount of marks to be with us. Don't gimme that bullshit about communication and deeper understanding and all that. That's rare and weird.

Nature makes us breed with the healthiest we can find, and "health" is often connotated by looks.

So in this case, a person around 4/10 in eligibility will possibly wanna get someone 5, or maybe even 6 if possible, but if not, he will settle for his own standard, which is 4/10.

Similarly, the 6/10 which the previous 4/10 tried to pursue (but failed) will try to get someone 7/10, but most likely will fail and finally settle for someone 6/10 like herself.

(Theory is only general - there are obviously rare cases of exception where, say, a handsome man (8/10) is with an ugly girl. Handsome man might, for example, have only one testicle and feel he should compensate for something, thus giving himself only 3/10 - which is why he is with said ugly girl.)

The reason why I say being ugly is good...

Now, I presume everyone's final motive in getting into a relationship is to continue life - ie by getting married, giving birth, and hopefully have a happy family.

For that, we mostly need an amazing formula called faithfulness.

If a fugly couple, ie, 2/10 both, are together, the chances of them scoring 3/10s are low, because as explained earlier, the 3/10s would try to settle on 4/10s.

They might score other 2/10s, but why bother? All are so ugly anyway.

Now we look at a good looking couple: both 8/10.

People 7/10 and 6/10 are constantly trying to hit on them, and well, why not fuck the 7.5/10 - he is not bad looking anyway.

So there you go. That's why celebrity couples are always cheating.

And that's why fugly couples stay together. Until they are so repulsed by each other's ugliness... well there is nothing much they can do.

I know you can frown and quizzically ask me, "So in this case, why don't good-looking people who want faithfulness force themselves to be with 2/10s and be happy?"

Oh no no no it doesn't work that way.

1) They will be very unhappy to be a person who is way uglier than they can achieve, so the happiness from the faithfulness will be cancelled off.

2) The poor 2/10 will go crazy from the competition and criticism.


I know. It's a brilliant theory.

(I am not adding in the factors of how sad the 2/10s are in secondary school where they are teased to death for looking like cows. They will later realise it is a good thing.)

*********************

There used to be a time where I could write these whimsical thoughts of mine in my blog without people instantly smashing them to bits with their sarcastic remarks.

Save it.

Comments are disallowed until I feel like I got my blogging bug back - all happy, shiny, and confident again.

And also, just coz you are one of the 20,000 people reading this blog and thus letting me be a professional blogger does NOT give you the rights to demand anything from me.

I get money out of this not through YOU surely, but through my own hard work.

It may not be very hard work nowadays, but I make the effort to photoshop for hours, I make the effort to negotiate and source for advertisers.

You do nothing. You just read and entertain yourself on interesting material you want to read anyway. What's your credit?

I am thankful to my faithful readers who are always encouraging me, but if you are one of those who thinks you are a big deal enough for you to say "You are a professional blogger, you should blog for us when I ask you to!", think again.

You are extremely wrong.

Fuck off and boycott me if you want to. If it gets bad, I'll just work harder, blog more, and get more readers.

By then I'm sure you will come back to read grudgingly, now finally understanding you are nobody to lecture me.

You just enjoy a new entry like a pleasant surprise if there is one, but if there isn't, you smile benignly, and say, "Well, I suppose I could come back in 2 days to check again!"

Congratulations, you have finally grown up.

(Apologies to the nice regular readers. Some of the teenage fuckers really piss me off with their snotty attitudes)

And yes, comments are DISABLED.

I am a star blogger!

ST has been giving their new million dollar project, Stomp.com.sg, a lot of publicity recently, and to my tui-ness, I realised I missed a chance of being on the front page coz I was on a damn airplane.

Super suay right? If it were just one day later, I would have been lazing casually on that Astral or whatever car they are giving away too, trying my best to act as if I am a mei nu.

BUT NO! Had to be flying back.

I didn't see ANY Singaporeans at all during my trip in US, and when I made my way back I kinda had a startling relevation about how ugly Singaporeans are.

It is true! I landed in Tokyo and somehow, the plane wasn't taxied where it was supposed to, and the passengers had to all take a bus to go to the arrival hall's entrance.

Then when I was on the bus, people were all minding their own business, and talking to their friends, when this loud person started making conversation in a very embarrassing way to some other stranger who has the misfortune to sit on the same plane and bus as him.

You know how when some funny person strikes up a conversation with you just coz he is very lonely and needs some attention, and it is always loud enough for everyone to listen in, while you try to make the conversation as short as possible?

Yes, that kind.

So this loud guy, the exact sort we all dread to have sit beside us in a plane, started talking to this Filipino lady, asking her if she had a direct flight from Tokyo to Philippines (whatever, I can never spell this), and etc small talk.

He was SO loud, the whole bus was pretending not to eavesdrop while eavesdropping.

The lady answered him, and he started asking her about Philippines, and I started to think about how I hate such people, when he chirped loudly and suddenly:

"I AM FROM SINGAPORE!"

Nobody even asked him where he is from.

I turned around sharply to look at him, and indeed... A typical Singaporean uncle speaking in broken English.

It then struck me how ugly Singaporeans are.

And god, he was ugly.

He was around 45, wearing his terrible spectacles from the 70s (gold wire-rimmed, oddly magnified his eyes a thousand times), was scrawny, had awfully nondescript but ugly features, wore clothes from the 70s (high-waisted pants with thin, translucent shirt), and had a remarkable 2/3 of his hair missing, resulting in a Trump-worthy combover.

Nobody would have batted an eyelash seeing this ugliness in Singapore, mostly because it is very common for Singaporean uncles to look like this, but in that bus, where travellers are mostly from LA or Tokyo, he stood out particularly badly.

Even if these travellers weren't good looking, at least they didn't wear clothes that are mass produced in China for the mega-thrifty. Even though angmohs may be terribly fat, at least they manage just not to look so... low class.

I bowed my head in shame hearing his sentence, wishing and wishing he didn't really say that, for now all the flight passengers, if they haven't seen a Singaporean yet, would presume that all Singaporeans looked like that.

AND THEY DON'T! Except uncles of his age!

I wanted to shout, "Look at me, I am Singaporean too and I am dressed nicely!" but at that point of time I was holding on to Mike's pillow which I brought back to hug(a big, out-of-shape, brown-stripey-covers affair), so I thought, well, better not, else people would think Singaporeans are not only ugly but also quite mad.

And tadah, when I touched down I am greeted by people who are all dressed in sloppy tees and shorts, and something I am not really accustomed to in US: zits.

Why are Singaporeans always so oily looking? I suppose we can't do much about our humidity, but BLOT, people, BLOT!

Not to say there aren't good looking people in Singapore of course, like a trip to Zouk on Saturday would possibly have the average traveller say "Singaporean girls are hot!" but well, sad to say our older, heartlandish generation is really quite ugly.

Oh well, better than China people... Even the teens have truly bad fashion sense. At least our youths look pretty good.

Wish Singaporeans can bother to dress up a little bit more.

Oops, what a long digression!

Back to Stomp!

Here are some of the pictures I took during our photoshoot:

Photoshoots are so fun!

There were many clothes in 4 different clothes: Black, white, blue and red.

I liked the white the most, coz it consists of many cream coloured vintage-looking corsets (ooh!), but in the end black was chosen for everyone.

The reason? If the boys wore white they will look like PAP. Knn.

MTV twins May and Choy. Before I met them I heard they were rather unfriendly, but I think they are very nice!

It was right before I went to the US, so the twins actually bothered to write out a list of places to visit for me. Sweet!

I also like them because they changed braless in the changing room. Hehehe *lecherous smile*

My Aldo shoes totally doesn't match the outfit...

I hate skinny people. Damn, I'm so hard to please, I hate it when people are ugly, and I also hate it when people are too good looking.

I know. Kinda unlikable. I'm an acquired taste.

Now, if you excuse me I think I will have to update the stomp blog, like I promised a gazillion years ago.

Think they might fire me.

Post-note: Yadda yadda I am shortest and ugliest amongst the girls blah blah blah can't you detractors do better than stating the obvious?

I am the shortest - and that's pretty undeniable and also something I can't help, so what else is new?

I know you are trying to get me to feel upset, but it's not working, because I understand that there will always be better looking people, and these precise people get to become VJs and erm, whatever else they will soon become.

When you guys tell me I am ugliest and shortest among the girls, this is what I feel: I feel like how a tortoise would feel if you told him he is the slowest among a bunch of hares.

Ie, nothing. I only frown and say, "Erm, so?"

I am not placed beside these girls because I am supposed to be good-looking like them.

I am placed there coz I am great at blogging, and I doubt they are as good as I am - just like I will never be as gorgeous as they are (unless I get loads of surgery and dieting done).

Also, please don't embarrass your-ignorant-self by saying things like "your posing sucks as compared to them".

My pose is set by the photographer, and so are the rest of the girls'. How difficult is it to maintain not moving after someone tilts your arm to the precise angle he wants it?

The reason why my individual photo looks funny is because it is taken by someone else other than me (who obviously can't take the photo as I am the subject), and she is standing up - vs newspaper's photographer squatting.

MY SHOES DON'T FUCKING MATCH (and, if you look closely, neither do the MTV girls') because I happened to wear them that day with no prior knowledge that my clothes are gonna be black.

It is not a matter of my bad taste - but why I am bothering to explain such simple logic to mediocre idiots who will never get to do a photoshoot and yet open their fat mouths to judge?

Right, as I was saying, I really don't care whether you guys think I am good looking.

Why do people wanna be good looking? To get attention, and to get the perfect person attracted.

I get loads of attention as it is, and my one person already thinks I am very good looking, so all I need to do is to maintain HIS opinion. (Not yours, your unworthy fucker)

If you wanna hurt me, I suggest you hunt Mike down and try to convince him I am ugly. That's tough considering you only know he is in Texas - which is 695,622 km², a whooping 995 times the size of measly Singapore.

Asswipes. I am ugly? Fuck you, I bet you are fucking uglier yourself.

So I have Dawn and the MTV twins above me? You probably have around 80% of the world's population looking better than you. If you don't believe me you can ask your mom - who is also your aunt.

All the similar comments of you idiots shall be deleted. Fools seldom differ they say... indeed.

Laksa, oily faces, and well-lit roads

Finally back in Singapore after a 3,000 hour flight. (Seriously, 26 hours of being on 4 different cramped planes and in airports)

I miss Mike a lot. The dry red eyes does not really connect very well my lack of sleep. Feel pretty drained right now.

And to those of you demanding I blog, FUCK OFF. What are you now, a possessive boyfriend? A circus ringmaster and I'm your prime lion? Fuck off and give me some space, ok? I was on holiday, so I blog as and when I feel like it.

Which is not very often because it makes more sense to accompany Mike than to waste 6 hours a stretch to blog since I can still blog when I am back in Singapore. I can only hug him for a month.

If you can't deal with that, please go fuck a spider... I just realised I am feeling grouchy so I am kinda berating my readers for it. (BUT STILL, THOSE RUDE IDIOTS DESERVE IT!!!!111)

Bad mood. Shall go sleep.

I guess I will blog more regularly since I am back.

GROUCHY.

I love you baby. Thanks for taking care of me for so long and taking all my rubbish without once getting angry or impatient with me.

And happy 2 months anniversary - with more to come. :)

LA day 2: Disneyland!

73 Pictures!

(Single and bitter people ought not to look though, it is kinda lovey-dovey and all that shit.

It's not me, it's Disneyland!

I know when I was single I used to hate websites which unwarningly lead me into reading some magical sappy love story (HA THEY ALL END IN TEARS, THE FUCKERS), so I just thought, you know, would warn the unhappier of you.)

First, we had breakfast at Denny's!











All American breakfast! Hash browns, hamburger steak, and eggs. Yum! Lots of old people there.




Flowers outside the restaurant. Why don't they bloom so big and pretty in Singapore?

And the drive to Disneyland!



Really near where we stayed, which is Buena Park.


Parked and had to wait for a tram to come pick us up!

SO EXCITING!

I know I am like 15 years too late or something, but still! Disneyland!

(Later on I knew why I didn't get to go when I was a kid.)



It was freezing cold! I know I am from the shitty equator, but man, I don't understand how Americans can just wear a tee with shorts in this weather.

Oh yeah, my complexion! Isn't it great? In the states, there is no need to use a facial blotter, coz it is so damn dry. Make-up stays on for hours!


Hmmm, Mike likes it.


Our tickets!

We bought a one park one day pass or something, coz I, erm, don't really like roller coasters - which is in the second park.

It turned out to be a very good decision though, coz it is impossible to finish visiting the two parks in one day. I mean you can, but who wants to rush through rides?!

Oh yeah. Like $76 each. Muthafuckers. So expensive.

We then had to go through a security tent:


Me: "Wow, they are checking our bags! For what, bombs?"

Mike: "Haha if a terrorist bombs Disneyland it would really lower the nation's morale."

Me: "Yeah like all fun and happy and BOM! Your kids all die... HAHAHAHA!"

In case any terrorist reading this is getting any funny ideas, DON'T, coz they check your bags. AND. The inlays of your shoes.

You wouldn't dare anyway. Once you go in you will be like, 'Awww... this is so magical and they babies are all so cute' and you turn into a pansy.

Your fellow terrorist friends will then laugh at you for turning gay. So I am warning you, don't.


Guess which alphabet I took a picture with.

That's right, that big O.

But as it turns out I look fat, so I am not posting it.



It's their 50th's anniversary and they are making a big fuss out of it. Oh yeah Mickey? If you are so happy, why not have free passes?

Walt is just a miser like that.




I am getting better and better at pretending that the photo I just took is taken by someone else.


Blondie and me. Cute huh? :D


Woooh exciting.

And guess who we saw when we go in?

M-I-C K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!



I am so angry with him! He thinks he is such a big shot!

He stood there for a while, and a line formed, and it appears that the line is not really respected (which we are at the end of, as you can see), so people keep cutting in from the sides instead.

And what did Mickey do for the poor, queuing, honest people? Nothing! Continued to smile and shake the hands of the cheaters!

And the worst thing is, you can't even scold the queue cutters, coz they are so cute and all have puppy eyes! GRRRR

After waiting for 15 minutes, Mickey's assistant announces he has to go to Toontown and will abandon the rest of the waiting queue.

What an ass.

I'll take photos with Donald instead. Or Pluto!



Turns out Pluto's going to Toontown too. I hate that place.

OOoh, PONIES!

Careful careful, pony coming through!


Neigh neigh

I wanted to force Mike to wear mouse ears so we went into a store.

Gave him a choice of glittery gold ears, or normal ears, or Minnie's ear and etc etc... So he chose the badass Pirates of Carribean ears.


Rather unwillingly.

I chose the slut ears.


How's that, eh, eh?



Turns out the ears cost like $15 USD each. THESE OPPORTUNISTIC BASTARDS!

I can't believe there are people buying those ears! By the truckload! I wouldn't pay $23 sing dollars for a pair of plastic ears I can't wear anywhere else without looking extremely stupid.

So the next best thing? Take a free picture in the store without buying. =D

Disneyland's food is the most horrendous.


Coke for US$2.25 (S$3.40)? Kill me.







Still, they are very pretty stores.

Passing those, we step into the different "lands". :D




Tarzan-themed Adventureland.

Mike's looking at Jane's ass.

Went into the Indiana Jones ride after this. Had to wait around 20 minutes to get on it, but it is worth it! :) Fun. Saw lots of ancient caves.


On a pirate boat.


Oh what's Mike looking at?

It's a ship!




People waving to us! :)

Went to Tom Sawyer's island...


Nothing much, had ducks on it.


Me with a funny looking thing behind. What? Disney said it's a Kodak moment spot!

One of the funny things I have always thought is this: Why do obscenely fat people want to come to Disneyland?



There are like loads and loads of them, all sitting or wheeling slowly on rented scooters courtesy of Disney.

Now, I have nothing against fat people, but I did see many of them without children, and I think to myself, how do you have fun if you can't get on a ride?

And it costs $76 at mimimum too!

Shrugs. But still, I think they look kinda hilariously out of place.

Vegas has lots of scooter people too, possibly due to their cheap food. How do the scooter people get up the escalators and stuff?

Wonder why people just give up on walking like that. When they are starting to feel it is difficult to walk, or go through a door, they should stop eating already, instead of giving up, and saying, "Damn, I'm gonna need a scooter! And give me another Twinkie!".

At least the Singaporean fatties still walk, which deserves some respect. American ones all whine and say obesity is a disease and they can't help it.

If it's a disease, then answer me this: Why are they no fat bangalas?

See, I know you don't have an answer for that.

Not a disease.





Hey look, it's Clover! Cows are all called Daisy or Clover. Since Disney already has a Daisy, this one must be Clover.


Lots of ridiculously expensive places to eat.




Sweet. :)


Big whale out of nowhere.
If I bring my kid to Disneyland I will scare him by threatening to let the whale eat him.
HEEHEEHEE


How delightfully colourful.




Very talented gardener.


I especially like the lion.

Toontown! I kinda like it the best... It's like entering a cartoon! Oh well, no wonder Mickey liked it so much.








Mike likes the fireworks.

Well ok, he is supposed to act like he is scared of them. Oh, he really is quite terrible at posing for photos.


Go fuck yourself, Mickey. Look who I've got!


Have an urge to climb those gates.


We are in a toy house.






Tomorrowland!


For some reason, the giant spinning ball on water really attracts him.

There's a machine around that tells you how you look like when you are old!


Mike, now.


Mike, old. Not too bad looking.


Mike, old, and a smoker. Don't smoke!

Oooh... speaking of smokers, Disneyland does not allow smokers anywhere except in very selected areas! Pretty cool huh? Protect the kids and all.






Yes yes. Here we go, me, old and if I smoked:


I have a theory.

My theory is that only the cutest kids get brought to Disneyland.

It is true!

I am not only talking about those blonde children tumbling around with their fluffy curly golden hair and big blue eyes.

Even the Asians I saw, for example, have super cute children - those you can put on baby food ads or something.

Now think about it. Were you cute? I wasn't too cute, which is why I didn't get brought to Disneyland.

It costs almost US$400 to bring a family of 4 inside, and that is not including buying food, and for most kids, a full princess/pirate costume, which possibly costs like $50.

And like ALL the girls there were dressed like Disney princesses (the most popular being Cinderella, oddly enough. I never liked her. Blue. Yikes.).

Back to my point. Cute kids and Disneyland. It is true! Proof:


Cute




Cute

After this we saw this little girl running about...



And I asked her mom if I could take a picture of her... Her mom told her to pose, and she did this!


Super cute!


I'm gonna abduct her.

That's it. We go back to the hotel to sleep.

And now, I'm gonna watch Lost! I just finished the first season on DVD, and IT SUCKS! Excuse me, but what the fuck is in that hatch? Why was Claire abducted? Who is Ethan? Why are all these questions unanswered? Grr.... I hope it will be in Season 2.

Or is it not?